Hi, everyone! Happy Chinese New Year! I know we're supposed to be really happy! But I'm really not into that mood! This morning was rlly fine! Spent time dressing up! Really! Mum forced me to wear this brown dress! So short! Just wanna find something comfortable! But it's ok!Church's session was ok! It was a combined service with the cantonese and the adult service group,together with our youth group! Was really crowded and I didn't know we had so many ppl in our church! Tht's not more! There were more ppl in grace 2! The 2nd branch of our church! So,as i was saying,it was ok till i got back home....
Reached home,walked past the corridor to my flat. As i was walking down,everyone was in the CNY mood! There were parties in each of our neighbours' house,shoes flooded the area! Was really happy! I was so affected! Ya....those who know my prob...you know why i'm not celebrating, other than my grandma's death....there's another thing....
Ya...Was already affected and the worse thing was that Mum asked us to lock up all the doors so no one can see my lonely and cold house...I just stared and my heart was like aching pain...I went straight to my room and I stoned there for a long time thinking of alot of stuffs....stuffs tht happened 5 years ago....All tht crying, begging,hitting, shouting, yelling, screaming, commiting suicide....it's becoming a nightmare....everything...I cnt stand it! I'm....I'm erm...I dun know what to say...
I don't know what to do but just went to bathe. During bath, e nightmare flash past my mind. Couldn't stand it! Like everything's reviving again! I tried to think of some other stuffs but all i was thinking were all the really negative stuffs...
I stayed in my room again after bath,wasted the whole day sitting there,trying to concentrate on my homework.At tht time, the house was silence,dead silence...it went like tht for the whole day...Walked past mum's room,it was closed...I was worried, worried tht she's sobbing quietly...I opened....she was having a nap...i was relieved. Went to my bro's room,he was having a nap too...
Went back to my room...I can hear my neighbours enjoying and my heart was aching badly...And Could feel my head cracking,like someone knocking on yr head real hard...I think tht's headache? My first and ever time I felt an headache...weird feeling but really bad feeling and pain! Unbearable!
Later, my aunt called....I overheard the conversation between my mum and her in the living room. Mum reviewed everything tht happened. He, was supposed to come back for his mum's funeral,but he didn't! We told him through his only contat but to no avail...Through his mail, we sent like a thousand times...Still, nothing came! UNFILIAL,UGLY BEAST!!!!! I cnt stand him! It reminded me of the girl he met in China! Was ugly inside out!And couldn't believe he created a little innocent creature with that woman! That....That! I don't wanna be vulgar here...I mean I'm a christian,rite?I'm supposed to live to God's glory and forgive and forget!I know...it reveals the ugly me...I know!I'm so sorry! But i cnt trap it inside!
I'm flesh! I'm made of flesh! I'm still wounded,ppl! I'm still wounded!This....this is like tearing open my wound again while it's healing! I'm so sorry, I am so agitated now!I'm so sorry,so sorry to spoil all yr mood...
It kinda recalls me abt 5 yrs ago,when i called to beg the woman....she called me a 'little bitch following an old bitch's footsteps' in tht Cheeeennnnaaaa accent! She ....she yelled at me on the phone" He doesn't want you anymore, and your old hag at home!" I was so angry,I didn't know what to say at tht time!I was so angry,I broke down! And she went" Crying arh? Oh! Too bad! Stop acting! I can act too! Then, let's see who he wants!" I was stunned, she continued" Damn! You future old hag! I think in future nobody wants you,ya? Too bad u're the old hag's daughter!No guys want you........" She just went on and I couldn't stand it! I just "Stop criticising!" And I hanged up!
Tht was a traumatic experience! Mum cried, Bro cried,Everybody cried! We were just comforting each other and crying e whole day! I can nvr forget tht one phonecall! Real rmb for life,maybe...
I've no hopes in him! I've given up! In my heart,he's dead!I will not forgive him,I tell myself tht! Mum told me and bro,even if he comes crawling back to us someday,just turn away....But,can i do tht? I'm thinkin,will tmr be e day? Can I rlly do as my mum says? I say he's like dead to me,but deep down in my heart? I really don't know...
I've been venting out alot...Sorry guys! I hope you don't chance upon here...I cnt help it! Just wanna find somewhere to vent it out...Sorry!well,it's gonna be a brand new day tmr,rite?i'll be the happy Yy,the auntified molly,the sharpest jian tou,the fattest patrick,the laziest piggy,the most obedient mummt gal tmr! I promise....but for now, just let me be unglam and vent out all my ugliness tdy! I'm so sorry...guys...I'm sorry...But I rlly hope u guys are enjopying yr CNY! Haha! Don't mind abt this post,k? will delete it once i recover! In a few days,maybe?
I'm fine! Don't worry!Love u,everyone! Thx! :)

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